After an avalanche of replies from a recent blog posted by Pinky, I was subtly nudged towards sharing my thoughts and ideas. Most guys I know don’t exactly advertise or share much of what’s really on their mind, so naturally we all follow suit. But what really goes on in the mind of a man with so much going on?
Where do we fit our marriage into our every day life? Being as young as we are, we have drifted away from the cute love birds we were years ago. The “spark” is easily diluted when you add three kids, a dog, a mortgage, school, hobbies and everything else thats consumes our 24/7–365.
We fought so hard to make us work throughout our high school years. On and off, we would fight endlessly to ensure we had a future. One of these days we will share our whole story with the world (those who have had a glimpse of the storyline already know, it’s definitely one you don’t want to miss out on. )
Getting married at the young, ripe age of twenty I was so in love and ready to tackle the world with my hot wife! Literally no obstacle was too big or idea was too small. As time trickled on, days got longer and patience got shorter.
Fast forward almost nine years and here we are, its no longer just my still-hot wife and me. We have my three minions we have to coordinate schedules with. So as if making time for just me and my wife was hard enough; mixing in three additional mouths to feed, three minds to mold, three hearts to teach to love, three smiles to keep from turning upside down… where’s the time for “us“?
Date night! That’s everyone’s favorite textbook answer. Sure, we have the best nanny on this side of the Mississippi, but sometimes it’s harder to break away from our lives than it sounds. I’ll save the long-winded back story, but I grew up from one hell-ish household and was pretty much trained to live a mundane life of work, work, work. Even when you’re off or on vacation: work, work, work. So you can only imagine how hard it is to peel me away from my work.
To an employer, I’m the perfect employee: determined, malleable minded, persistent, etc. To a family, I’m just the dead beat father/husband/son/brother who only takes time off when there’s a funeral to attend. I’m willing to admit, that’s 100% true. Sadly my siblings and I are all cut from the same cloth. Hard to believe but the last time me and all my siblings took time off to be in the same room together was May 2014 when my grandmother passed. The time before that, seven years prior. Could you imagine that? As much of a tragedy as it may be, that’s life for the Guerrero siblings.
I try to break away from the mold, try to add spontaneity to our marriage and lifestyle. But at times it becomes a hassle and too time consuming to follow through. This is key to maintaining a strong, long lasting marriage. I know that now more than ever.
For shits and giggles, a few months back Pinky suggested we take one of those online tests about the language of love. It was quite comical answering questions which seemed to be overly repetitive but the results were utterly honest. I’m not a materialistic guy, I’m very simple: show me appreciation and share your time with me. Pinky on the other hand, had a different language of love. Regardless of her results, we both absorb the thoughts and efforts of love differently.
Now put that into context. How do you keep that flame of love burning bright through the darkness? Easy! Speak the language your significant other understands. Easier said than done at this point. But why? Am I compelled to try? Am I convinced? I love my wife, that’s enough reason to keep trucking along and doing what needs to be done.
Am I afraid of change or am I incapable of changing. Sometimes my arrogance tells me, “You’re dotting your I’s and crossing your T’s, it’s not up to you to make all the effort,” while the level minded self says, “you need to strive to do more, be better.” Which side is right? Both. It isn’t my sole responsibility to make this marriage work. No matter what you do in any relationship, if you give your 100% effort you’re still only 50% of the equation.
Marriage is about compromise, showing another person that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Sometimes resolutions aren’t met, but as long as you’re working towards accomplishing a goal you’re headed in the right direction.
Again, am I afraid of change? Are YOU afraid of change? Change is inevitable. What are you going to do? Fight against the waves of change, or keep pushing to make those waves work in your favor? Action cures fear. A saying I live by, day in and day out. Act now, act fast. If you don’t pay attention and realize your spouse’s true worth, someone else will.
As I slow my days down, I realize I’ve taken advantage of my wife. I’ve taken for granted the things she does to make sure our family functions like a well oiled machine. What happened to me? How did this happen?
Night after night as I felt her slipping away, I’d wake up from a dead sleep. As I turn to see my queen peacefully at rest, I hurt and embrace the pain of my neglect. I don’t deserve her love, I don’t deserve her time. Endless thoughts would consume my mind, “Am I really letting my selfish thoughts getting in the way of our marriage. Am I willing to let her go? ” What have I done to our marriage? What do I do now…
Regardless of the circumstances, we can’t turn back time and fix the past. We are only capable of taking what we learn and being productive with the results. As the days go on, we continue to calibrate the balance of our marriage. We are not perfect by any means, but we refuse to give up on us now. There’s too much at stake to throw the towel …
“At sunrise everything is luminous but not clear.” – Norman Maclean.
Comments? Advice? Any other type of input, leave it in the comment section below!