When I Found Him

Finding him was like finally finding the missing puzzle piece. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt whole. He came unwillingly and took the weight off my shoulders & He dried every tear. He was my rock. He gave me the sparkle in my eye, the butterflies in my stomach, He made me weak in the knees. I saw my future with Him when I looked into his eyes. When I was with him there was no storm that could ruin my day, because finding him, was finding love.

There were things that we went through in our lives that would be difficult to comprehend or even accept, and in some instances running for the door would be the better option. But, He didn’t. He gave me comfort in knowing that no matter what obstacle that tried to tear us apart, He fought hard with arms swinging. I  finally found someone who wouldn’t give-up on me. He made me feel like I could do anything as long as He stayed right beside me, He became my person.

When I said, “I Love You,” I meant every word. I meant it with every fiber of my being, it genuinely came from every nook and cranny of my heart. I know that I could confidently look at him and know that this would be it, I could scream it from the top of the highest mountain…He is the one…

And, then just like that He wasn’t.

I watched Him walk-out more times than I can remember during the years we were dating. I watched him find someone else so easily and I would watch him come back. And, I would take him back with no regrets. I realized I had lost him years ago, because I never really had him. He was never really mine, he was always searching for something that wasn’t me. No matter how many times he told me I was everything  he ever wanted, no matter how many times he told me he loved me.

I was so enamored with him and his words. I was so in love with him and the thought of us, that I buried every painful/hurtful moment. In those moments I forgot… I forgot who I was. I completely lost myself because instead of feeling love, it was replaced by hurt. In those moments of vulnerability, I forgot my worth. I forgot those around me who actually cherished my time, who valued me as I was, as I am. I forgot what it felt like to enjoy others company because I would drop them in a heart beat to be in his. Only to realize he didn’t need mine. I forgot how to respect myself, I forgot what it felt like to be appreciated. But, overall,  I forgot to put myself first, I forgot to cherish and appreciate myself. I forgot ME.

But, what happened to the love? I know that was real. What happened to the unexpected loving gestures? I know those were genuine. What happened to the spontaneity? That used to be our strongest trait.  It just disappeared… as did He, the one I fell in love with. It disappeared with  the butterflies in my stomach, the sparkle in my eye, and my weak knees.  When I lost him  he walked away, he took a part of me I could never get back. But, it gave me a chance to remind myself of who I am. What I’m capable of being, all in all losing him wasn’t a loss, but, a win. Because everything I learned about love, I learned from him.

Know your worth.



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