How My 8 Year Old Made Me Cry

Happy Monday, #GP5Fam! It’s been a crazy start to our week here in the Grr-arrow household! I mean when is it not ever crazy in my household, psh! Who am I kidding! I live with crazies! Haha! (facepalm)

Anyways, with hockey & figure skating in full swing. I barely can keep up with the household chores and sleep– speaking of sleep, I miss doing that. And, it’s usually when everyone is asleep, is when I can bust out the phone (or laptop) and get my thoughts on paper.

So, as a warning. We are gonna get sappy in today’s post. So grab your favorite blanket, get cozy on the couch, and grab some tissues & let’s get heartfelt! On today’s post, ”How My 8 Year Old Made Me Cry.”

Today guys, I was a parenting failure! You’re probably thinking I’m being over the top dramatic. And, I wish I was. My TDL was beyond overwhelming. I had emails to tend too, tasks to complete, calls to make and let’s not even get to my list of household chores that desperately needed to get done. I got up early to do some laundry, only to realize the clothes that were previously in the dryer were still wet. So the kids helped me get the wet clothes separated from the dry clothes and placed back in the drier to get dry.

After that, I started getting the sheets off my bed and started piling clothes for the next load of laundry. Mind you I still have a load in the wash, a load in the dryer. 3 piles outside my bedroom door that STILL needs to be done. Sigh. It just seems neverending. I was also on a time crunch as I still had to get Skyler’s homeschool assignments together. And, log on to work!

Time was not on my side today, even though I woke-up decently early. As loads of laundry were going, I scrambled to make sure everyone was fed- from the dogs, turtle and of course the kids!

Once that was ”somewhat” situated I launched my laptop and started on my emails. Simultaneously, I was working on some schooling issues for the upcoming school year which resulted needing to be done via a phone call. Of course, in perfect timing. Katelynn decided to have her full-blown tantrum, complete with ”exorcist” back arches and laying on the floor. All because I told her she couldn’t have fruit snacks for breakfast. Oh, and I stood my ground while I tended to my important phone call. Honestly, I should’ve just given her the damn fruit snack so I could get through my phone conference.

But, alas, In her best, high shrill, Katelynn sang the song of her people — loud enough for the poor lady I was talking to on the phone to hear. And, she politely said, ”Shes got some lungs on her”. Oh, If she only knew how I tried to muffle the sound on the phone so she couldn’t hear and failed epically to balance the phone off my shoulder & pick up a flailing 4-year-old off the floor. All while struggling to also hold a pen & notebook.

After picking Kate up, she was still whining and whimpering, as she still begged for the fruit snack. I continued to stand my ground and put Kate on the couch and walked away into another room so I can somewhat pay attention to what this lady was saying to me. I think I repeated every other sentence back to the lady, to confirm we were on the same page & in all honesty, just cause nothing was clicking.

I walked back out into the living room and put the phone on mute while the lady kept talking. I quickly tried to multitask and tend to Kate. Which resulted in a bigger meltdown cause she wanted to be held — which I, unfortunately, couldn’t do as I needed both hands as I was taking notes during the phone call.

After I no longer could take the whining, I turned on the TV and Thank heavens for Nick Jr, cause whatever show was on calmed Kate. And, after realizing fruit snacks were out of the question Kate drank her milk & ate cereal. (THANK GOD!)

Mind you through this whole Katelynn ordeal, Skyler was (as always) playing hockey in the living room. So I felt like I was playing dodgeball in the house trying to weave through and not get hit. Telling him to stop seemed impossible, also I don’t think he understood my ”miming” since I was on the phone.

Thankfully, I was able to go through my phone call, multitask on the laptop & go through emails. Still, laundry wasn’t done & homeschool didn’t start. My conference and emails took up a chunk of my time.

Once I was finally off the phone the kids reminded me that we needed to get cupcakes and cookies (something I had promised them last week). I packed all my electronics and earpiece and decided that my work would have to be mobile today.

When we got to the bakery we picked out our cupcakes, cookies and headed back to the car. As I loaded the kids into the car I dropped the box which resulted in all the frosting and cupcakes to turn upside down. Fabulous. I scrambled to save what decency the cupcakes had left and headed home.

I tried my best to hold myself together and figured, “What else could go wrong today?”  when we got home, my Husband was there to greet us. I was ready to cry and go in full-Mom-meltdown. And, then Skyler said something completely surprising.

He began to tell Ric about our day, and, I was just waiting for all the epic Mom fails, I had. But, he literally didn’t mention how stressed or frustrated I was. All he took out of the day was– regardless of how busy I was I took time to make Kate food, and turn on the TV for them, and that I drove them to get cupcakes and cookies. Skyle, looked at all the positives I did today, all my multitasking and was happy they got cupcakes and cookies regardless if it was half smashed.

I teared-up and Ric just looked at me like I was insane. I later went on to explain the day from my point of view. How crazy, chaotic it felt.

My kiddo for sure just served me a slice of reality and a good one at that. Perspective.





How My Boys Learned To Protect Themselves From An Active Shooter

He stood on top of the toilet & said, “this is what we were told to do when an intruder comes”…

Hello! (Crickets chirping) I know you’re probably wondering where I’ve been & what happened to post M-W-F as I advertise. Trust me, I know. But, Life happened.

So, much has happened this past two weeks – more than what I was ready to shoulder. An unexpected death, my return to school, my job, epic time management fails, motherhood, sports schedules, the Las Vegas shooting, new schools.. trust me the list can go on & on!

And, please don’t think I’m complaining. I’m not. It’s just life is happening and there is no way to stop it or slow it down. I can’t change what I can’t control. Even though I wish I could. Anyways, we have been rolling with the punches as they come. Staying positive & relying on faith and prayers that things will smooth out. I know they will.

As I lay in bed typing this blog, I’m just embracing this moment of silence. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a moment to myself. Silence is a great time to collect my thoughts. First off, my heart aches for the tragedy in Vegas, my heart aches for the world in general. Every day I find myself having to shed light or bring back some positivity in my kids’ lives. Both boys are fully aware of what’s going on in the world around them. They understand why People cry when someone passes, they understand why as Parents we are so concerned for their safety at such highly public places due to so much hate and unexpected chaos. They understand why Mommy & Daddy are protective of their overall well-being. They get all of that. But, what they can’t grasp is why other people would do harmful or bad things, just because. And, unfortunately, I can’t even try to explain why people do such bad things to others for no reason.

True story, the other day the boys came home from school and I heard them talking in the bathroom. I walked over to the bathroom and saw Skyler standing on the toilet. I asked why he was standing on the toilet & to get down. He said, “I was just showing Spencer. We learned it in our drill. If there is an intruder and we are in the bathroom that this is what we should do.”

As a parent, I was in shock. This is what the world has come too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the drills and protective matters the school teachers to ensure our children’s safety. But, I’m saddened by the fact someone could even walk into a school building and harm innocent children. Back when I was in elementary the only drills we practiced was the bus drill, Fire, and tornado drills. I’m just in awe!

See as parents we can only “shield” our kids from learning or understanding so many “bad” things. They’ll eventually learn about it in school, see it on tv, or Joe next door told Sally who told Billy who then told your kids on the bus. It’s inevitable.  I mean We can only hope that our kiddos know the difference between right and wrong & don’t fall into peer pressure and steer away from the bad, wrong things in life.

I learned the hard way from the boys entering elementary school. I now tell them if they question if something is good or bad to come ask an adult prior to whatever it is they’re attempting to do or say. I now get asked often if a specific word is a bad word cause one of their classmates says it, or if a certain tv show or character is appropriate to watch cause they saw it on YouTube. I’m glad my boys are open to communicating (right now) & I hope it stays that way.

I know that my Husband and I can only do so much in raising our tribe. SSK might be an incomplete understanding of our morals, values in our home but, as soon as they step foot out that door. It’s a different world. We constantly remind them of who they are. And, tell them to stay grounded and be humble. Cause apparently these days, even in elementary school it’s a TOUGH pond. Kids will tear you apart, they will eat you alive! There’s bullying, there are cliques, there’s so much negativity. It’s mind-blowing!

We always tell SSK to “be the change we want to see in the world.” To be the better, kinder person. We teach them to be everyone’s friend, to reach out and help others. We always tell them if you see someone sitting alone, be their buddy and sit next to them. We teach them to treat others with respect. We show them to be kind & use their manners. And, so on and so forth. I mean c’mon all I’m trying to do is raise my kids to be well-rounded, well-mannered individuals. Isn’t that all of our goals? And, I know for being 8,6 & 3 that they’re capable of being the change in the world because it’s the example I’m setting & the things I’m teaching, and the people I’m surrounding my kids with.

Now, I’m no Saint. I have my flaws & my children aren’t perfect angels. Trust me. But, I’m always trying to put my best foot forward. But, I have hope that my kids will make a positive impact in the world someday. And, as of now, the world needs more positivity & kinder hearts. The world needs to see change.

So, as I end this blog post for the night. I want to encourage you, in your moment of silence, think of all those whom we have recently lost. Think of all those tragedies the world has been seeing. And, really use the silence to steer you and guide you into what can we do to make the world better? What could we do to shine more positivity? It doesn’t have to be gigantic goals, baby steps are always great! For me, it’s teaching the next generation to be the change. To shed positivity & be kind. It might not do a lot, but, it will help!

Sending you love, positive vibes & blessings!


Why, I’ve Been Slacking

Hello, from a slacker 😅

I know, I forgot to post on Monday! Realistically, I didn’t forget. I knew it was Monday but, my schedule has been filled with Kiddo engagements!

Therefore, the title of “Mednesday” a blog post about Monday & Wednesday combined. You’re welcome! 😜

If you’ve been following me on Facebook (HERE) or Instagram (HERE). Then you’re familiar with my new sports inclined schedule! The boys have officially taken on sport club teams which now engulf my whole ENTIRE agenda! (I’m not kidding). I’m a calendar fiend! I absolutely schedule everything down to a “T”. My iPhone calendar is color coded & shared accordingly, my agenda in my home office coincides with my iPhone calendar & therefore everything is scheduled properly!

Monday’s are club practice nights and also a school night. Now, during the day I work from home & am currently studying for school. I’m also a Mom to a mischievous 3-year-old, that speaks volume all on its own. During the day, I’m swamped with emails, phone calls, calendar changes, making appointments, tending to Kate, chores or cooking. Once the boys come home they have an early dinner/snack, do some homework or quick studying & off to the rink we go!!

This is going to be the new norm. I’m grateful for our Nanny because right now, my brain is functioning but, I’m everywhere!! My schedule is about to get crazier once Spencer starts practicing for soccer within this next week!

Saturday’s are about to be official “Game Days” in our household. Soccer games in the morning & straight to hockey in the afternoon! I’ve already got my “Mom team shirts” ready! And, I’m grateful for my extra hands that help me!

I say this A LOT & it’s because it’s true. It takes a village to raise kids! I’m grateful for my family & friends who help with carpooling, lunches/dinners, attending games or practices to cheer my kiddos on. Or simply entertain my other kids when I’m helping another! Now, I do a lot on my own obviously, and Ric comes when work permits. But, I never decline the extra help if offered.

It’s officially humping day, I’m already ready for Friday 😂 I just want to shut my phone off and just not be connected to anything. I’m going to make that a routine to just “unhook” from my phone once a week! I’m constantly on it for work & it’s just draining!

My kids are growing older, they’re finding their niches and I don’t want to miss any of that. I’ve been doing great at just living in the moment. It’s invigorating!

Anyways, Check-out these photos of Sky tonight when he and Ric did some conditioning off the ice! Whether it’s on ice or off this kid just wants to constantly play hockey! I ain’t mad! Haha!

I’m excited to see Spencer start playing & Skyler to grow stronger in his skill! I hope you guys are excited too! Enjoy your Wednesday or “Mednesday”!



How I Gave-Up On Being A Mom

Guys, today I threw in the towel, I raised the white flag. I threw my hands up in the air. I’ve never felt so defeated in my 8 years of parenthood. Today, was that day hell broke loose in my home.

Obviously, having 3 kids fairly close in age isn’t like having a walk in the park. They bicker, fight & get on each other’s nerves. On most days, we can surpass the bickering and argue and they play fairly well together. Today, that was not the case.

Kate’s inner “diva” came out & since she missed a nap she was extra sassy & attitudey thanks to that lack of sleep. She was so out of the norm: not going to the potty, throwing her toys, not playing nicely or using her manners. Very unlike Kate. I tried to get to her level & talk to her to see what was bothering her. But, really she was just being a mischievous toddler.

The boys came home from school and were bickering as soon as they got out of the van. They fought over who could push the button to close the van & argued on who pushed it last. It got worst as they settled after unloading bags & putting uniforms away. There was kicking and jumping, a lot of tackling and running. Typical boy antics. But, for some reason, they were more concerned about how to rile up their sister. (Insert serious -FACE PALM-). Guys, it was brutal today! More so than I’ve ever experienced.

My kids, for the most part, are well behaved, they mind their manners, play along and when they do act up you can simply just ask them or tell them to be polite or to mind, their manners or even explain why they shouldn’t be misbehaving or acting a certain way. FOR THE MOST PART, I’ve thankfully haven’t had an issue aside from today. Today, I was pulling boys off each other, constantly tending to a crying child. I was looking at scratches, bruises and whatever war wound they could configure in their chaos!

I’ve never had to use so many timeouts in one day or take away iPads, iPods, tv or even threaten to bench them from sports! I used the mom glare, the mom tone of voice, and I even used the “don’t make me call your Dad.” I normally just have to say, “do we need a time out?” And, normally my kiddos straighten up and we never have to go to time out. Today, I was using almost every corner of my house! It was crazy! I have them a few minutes all separated to think about their actions & we talked about how we could do better. And, when I thought there was a breakthrough they became ninjas and attacked one another. Today, Momming was just hard!

Sigh, it was exhausting. I was trying to work simultaneously and it just was not going smoothly. One kiddo came home feeling blah. I assumed it was the crazy weekend/week we had. So I’m hoping for a restful weekend he should be golden. 

I’ve never looked forward to bedtime until today. After I got all 3 to bed I took some time for myself. Just some quiet reflecting. Right after, I walked into the rooms and tucked in, kissed and prayed over each of my kiddos. I stared at them for a little. They’re getting older. It’s heart-wrenching. Sometimes I forget they’re kids & they’re meant to be little terrors every once in a while. And, sometimes rules are meant to be broken or ignored whether we like it or not. They’re growing older and testing they’re limits. I guess it comes with the territory of aging. Ugh, bittersweet.

I hope I NEVER have another day like today, I nearly wanted to hide under my desk until their Dad came home to save me.

Have you guys had Momming moments like this?



How Katelynn Began Homeschooling For PreSchool

We’ve got ourself a lefty!

The boys have officially entered their second week of school! I officially have a 3rd grader who will be 8 on Sunday & a first grader who will be 7 this November!

Kate is 3 and will be 4 this December-guys, where have my babies gone!? I’m loving these ages but, I do miss having a little baby nugget around!

If you’ve followed me since the beginning you know that I had put Skyler in pre-school at 3 years old. At 4 we continued pre-school at home & at 5 he was off to public school! Spencer stayed home at 3-4 years old and we homeschooled until he was off to public school at 5!

Kate will be homeschooled for pre-school and we will be doing a lot of play dates/co-op preschool play dates. I discovered that Kate is a lefty just like me! (Woo-hoo!) I always found it hard when I was teaching the boys to hold a pencil when they were 3 how to properly hold it with their right hand. So thankful the Hubby and Brother stepped in to help, cause quite frankly, I don’t know how to hold a pencil in my right hand. Feels strange and incorrect when I do! So when I noticed Kate’s left hand was more dominant I was ecstatic!

We busted out the letter flashcards, number flash cards, and our preschool workbook! Kate can recite her alphabet, count 1-20, she knows her colors and a good majority of her shapes!

My goal this time around is to work on letter recognition and sound recognition. I’ll let you guys know how that goes! (Haha)

Check out this cute little video of Kate tracing today =]

What’re your favorite study habits?

Lots of love,


The Ultimate Guide To The First Week Of School (2017 Edition)

Hello Readers!

How are you guys? I hope you’re enjoying August (cause it came out of nowhere!) the boys officially went back to school this week! (YAY!)

I’m lying, kind of, well — they started school on Wednesday. Haha! And, they also have Monday off.. (shrugs). We are finally getting back into the swing of things. We got new uniforms this year and the kids love their teachers!

I’m glad that we are consistent with schools this year. That was my biggest worry that they’d have to start all over again. Currently, the boys have no complaints… yet. I’ve kept them on their sleep schedule throughout the whole summer (Yes, I’m that Mom). But, thankfully it worked out in my favor! They wake-up before their alarm, get ready for the morning, eat breakfast and put the door they go! Happy Mama!

Now, if I can only say the same about my sleep schedule! Phew! I’ve been everywhere, my sleep has been fluctuating– one day I’m super exhausted the next night I could stay up and run laps! It’s frustrating and funny. On the nights I can’t sleep I play solitaire or watch a documentary! I love documentaries, so sometimes that makes it worst cause I end up binge watching a bunch of documentaries.

They will officially have a full week of school in two weeks. Haha! But, as of now, it’s been a smooth sail! Have your kiddos started school?
Happy back to school month!



This was their FIRST school picture together. My heart!



When I Found Him

Finding him was like finally finding the missing puzzle piece. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt whole. He came unwillingly and took the weight off my shoulders & He dried every tear. He was my rock. He gave me the sparkle in my eye, the butterflies in my stomach, He made me weak in the knees. I saw my future with Him when I looked into his eyes. When I was with him there was no storm that could ruin my day, because finding him, was finding love.

There were things that we went through in our lives that would be difficult to comprehend or even accept, and in some instances running for the door would be the better option. But, He didn’t. He gave me comfort in knowing that no matter what obstacle that tried to tear us apart, He fought hard with arms swinging. I  finally found someone who wouldn’t give-up on me. He made me feel like I could do anything as long as He stayed right beside me, He became my person.

When I said, “I Love You,” I meant every word. I meant it with every fiber of my being, it genuinely came from every nook and cranny of my heart. I know that I could confidently look at him and know that this would be it, I could scream it from the top of the highest mountain…He is the one…

And, then just like that He wasn’t.

I watched Him walk-out more times than I can remember during the years we were dating. I watched him find someone else so easily and I would watch him come back. And, I would take him back with no regrets. I realized I had lost him years ago, because I never really had him. He was never really mine, he was always searching for something that wasn’t me. No matter how many times he told me I was everything  he ever wanted, no matter how many times he told me he loved me.

I was so enamored with him and his words. I was so in love with him and the thought of us, that I buried every painful/hurtful moment. In those moments I forgot… I forgot who I was. I completely lost myself because instead of feeling love, it was replaced by hurt. In those moments of vulnerability, I forgot my worth. I forgot those around me who actually cherished my time, who valued me as I was, as I am. I forgot what it felt like to enjoy others company because I would drop them in a heart beat to be in his. Only to realize he didn’t need mine. I forgot how to respect myself, I forgot what it felt like to be appreciated. But, overall,  I forgot to put myself first, I forgot to cherish and appreciate myself. I forgot ME.

But, what happened to the love? I know that was real. What happened to the unexpected loving gestures? I know those were genuine. What happened to the spontaneity? That used to be our strongest trait.  It just disappeared… as did He, the one I fell in love with. It disappeared with  the butterflies in my stomach, the sparkle in my eye, and my weak knees.  When I lost him  he walked away, he took a part of me I could never get back. But, it gave me a chance to remind myself of who I am. What I’m capable of being, all in all losing him wasn’t a loss, but, a win. Because everything I learned about love, I learned from him.

Know your worth.



When I Walked Away From My Marriage

It had been a tough few years.

I’ve known my Husband since I was 5 years old, We practically grew-up together. And, after being together for 10 years and married for 9. My Husband and I no longer looked like the doe-eyed, fresh-faced newlyweds who eagerly got married on Christmas Morning. We no longer looked like that young couple you’d see at the restaurant completely enamored with each other across the dining tables fiddling with each others hands. And, we certainly didn’t resemble the couple who used to stay up all night talking to one another and texting each other all day because we simply missed  each other too much to put the phone down.

You can tell that years of sleep deprivation, job stress, and possible resentment had built-up. Little things would annoy us and at times these annoyances would just be pushed down and buried only to be worried about another day. These foreseen annoyances  would eventually re-surface and an inevitable argument  would occur (like clock work) that would leave us hurt and angry for days. As always, we put on a bright smile & were civil in front of our kids. But, it was unbearable, you could feel the underlying tension between us. In some instances, we would see glimpses of our former selves and it would happily remind us of who we used to be. It was US, before the kids, before a mortgage & bills, before life moved to quickly and we lost each other along the way. Back to the easier, lighter days when our relationship didn’t seem so forced.

The day finally came when resentment took over and brought us to a breaking point. The day I knew we were broken beyond repair, and there was no way around the anger, the hurt. Days after the argument, seemed like a blur, we tiptoed around each other, and were completely unsure if we would be able to put our lives back together.

After a flood of discussions, we ultimately decided to work on ourselves apart, hoping that at some point we could find ourselves again. It got us both thinking on how we could ever fix us again, and how we could make things better, stronger. It didn’t seem possible, but, we were both willing to try.

As we began packing for a getaway trip with some of our friends to go snowboarding up in Flagstaff. I felt angry at even going on a trip with someone I wanted nothing to do with. But, he insisted that this would help. He quietly packed his own suitcase and I didn’t even realize that he had helped me pack mine. He would place items I completely forgot to pack. He carefully laid out clothing on top of my suitcase that would keep me warm, extra items in case my first pair of clothing got soaked by snow. He would do this quietly, without making eye contact cause he knew I was I hurting. But, it showed he still cared. I was so engulfed by anger, hurt that I forgot other people were in the house with me. That I wasn’t packing items I really needed. To be honest, I really didn’t care.

After packing, I got ready for bed, and I got under my covers, and slowly felt myself going into fetal position. I felt my breathing become shallow, and everything around me became hazy. I felt my heart beating rapidly and in that moment, that’s all I could hear…

Thump, thump, thump, thump.

Before, I could stop myself, I fell apart. I couldn’t stop the tears from coming out, and I couldn’t steady my breathing.  I couldn’t stop quivering, and I couldn’t stop the pain. I felt the weight of my life falling apart, the reality of my marriage came crumbling down. Memories kept flashing in my head, from our first kiss, to the birth of our first son, to our first home together. These were all memories of a life that we had struggled, and fought for over 19 years.  The thought of packing my things, packing my children’s belongings, and sharing these moments separately, made my heart ache. I lost it. I completely lost it…

Than something made me slow down my breathing, something made me calm my nerves. I felt this pressure, like a hug. I lifted my head, and opened my teary, puffy eyes and saw my Husband. There he was rubbing my back, and hugging me. I saw the pain in his eyes, I could feel the love radiate from his arms. I looked at him and suddenly without any explanation, in that moment, I knew I still love my Husband. I knew that we were going to make it through our marital struggles. It would take time, and it wasn’t going to be fixed overnight. We still have to work on each other, and do what’s best for our Family. But, I knew at some point we would find each other again, because of love. Love is what brought us here 19 years earlier…


 To Be Continued






How I deal with ANXIETY

This was such a touchy subject for me to post about. I think I’ve written this more than once, deleted it, made it private and so on. I just never wanted to post it.  But, today (like many other days) I had a bad anxiety attack. I figured, although I maybe one of many who decide to speak-out on how they personally deal with anxiety. I figured maybe, just maybe, I too can help someone.

Like many people out there, I too suffer from anxiety. Unfortunately, I had anxiety for a few years (unknowingly). I had my first anxiety attack on May 4th back in 2008. My Dad was in hospice and I had received  a call while I was at a Pageant event that I was getting picked-up early because my Dad wanted me there. Little did I know, his health was deteriorating faster and that was going to be the night he passed. I remember feeling like, I couldn’t breathe, it felt like my heart was going faster than what it should’ve. And, I couldn’t control anything around me. I felt shaky, and lightheaded. It was the worst feeling ever! I remember being picked-up by the ambulance at the hospice facility & taken to the nearby hospital. I was temporarily given a medication to take to take the edge off. I was diagnosed officially about 5 years after when I gave birth to Katelynn. (Learn about Kate’s birth story — HERE!) I figured the things I was feeling was just out of pure exhaustion, mixed with having a new baby. But, the words came out crystal clear, smooth like butter, “You are suffering from,  ‘postpartum depression’ and ‘general anxiety disorder'”.  It made me feel unfit to be a Mom of three.  I remember just holding back tears, and trying to keep my cool. I honestly, thought that was the end of my life as I knew it!

My anxiety only got worst. I feared Kate wasn’t eating enough, or that I wasn’t giving the boys enough attention. I felt like my load was heavier than normal. I just didn’t feel enough or that I didn’t have enough time. I felt like all I did was wake-up, feed the baby, feed the boys. Clean, do chores, feed the baby, feed boys. Pump. Do HW, Clean, Cook, repeat. It just never felt like it ended. At night, I couldn’t sleep. I constantly woke-up to make sure all three kids were breathing, I would put my hand on their chest to feel it rise and go-down. Make sure I could feel their heart beating. I would stay up late and I’d pump extra at night, cause I was afraid I wouldn’t produce enough milk for Kate. I’d cook enough baby food for two months cause I was worried Kate wouldn’t eat enough. Going-out was difficult, I felt like I couldn’t travel with all three in the car with me. I didn’t feel safe. Even if Ric drove-us all, I felt like I constantly had to turn around to make sure the kids were all ok.

Unfortunately, my marriage, suffered too. Ric would come home from work, willingly trying to help and aid in anyway that he could. He would help by doing a few loads of laundry, bringing dinner home, and even holding Kate so I could shower. But, I cringed knowing someone else was holding her. Or that he was doing things I was “supposed” to be doing. This shouldn’t have bothered me considering this someone wasn’t random, or someone I didn’t know. This person was her Father, my Husband.  I should’ve been more than okay to have help. That was the last straw, I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. I didn’t want to feel like I couldn’t be safe outside of my own four walls. I finally sought additional help.

The Doctor visits were difficult at first, I felt beyond vulnerable. But, after opening-up to my Doctor and speaking how I felt and getting feedback. It helped a lot! I prayed often, now this was a personal gesture. During the moments I felt I couldn’t bear or handle, I stopped and prayed. I also began writing again (thus, this blog). It gave me the ability to channel the anxiety in different avenues. At times it was hard to write too, I hated the “online negativity,” and especially the “online bullies.” But, that’s simply how life is. I realized I couldn’t sit and hide when things got scary, or made me nervous. I had to try, and go against the odds. Push forward & block out the things I couldn’t control, and try to stay positive. And, when necessary take time-off. Hence, the days I didn’t write or would disappear. I started dancing again too, I prioritized my time better and tried to stay organized (hence, my over use of a calendar and planner). I took personal days to myself– even if it was just 30 minutes to go to the store. That “Me” time was important. I got extra hands to help me with the kids too, that was a huge weight off my shoulders. I’m grateful for my Nanny cause I didn’t feel like I was spreading myself too thin. I also took more date nights, and did more Family days out. All this, helped me hone and find my peace.

Today, was just one of many days where I let anxiety get the best of me. Unfortunately, although it may seem like I have a handle on my anxiety. Little things can still trigger it. Today, it was an overcrowded parking lot and a flood of people. I was meeting Ric and the kids for dinner. And, I noticed how full the parking-lot was, and how packed the restaurant was too. I saw that Ric found prime parking up front by the restaurant and he successfully unloaded the kids. I made a few circles to find a spot. I called Ric 2-3 times while looking for parking and telling him we should just order from drive through and go home. I was telling him to just go home, and then change my mind and tell him to stay and eat there. When I finally found parking, I quickly ran to the doors to find them in line. I looked around anxiously and couldn’t find a table. I think Ric sensed my anxiety. He gave me Kate, and told me to head home that he was going to order to-go. I ran to the car with Kate, buckled her in and nervously headed home. I drove carefully, even though I felt my heart pounding against my chest, I nervously fiddled with the AC to de-fog my windows, and constantly asking Kate if she was cold. Again, I stressed on how I couldn’t keep her warm without fogging the windows up. When I got home, I felt a huge sigh of relief. I felt my breathing  steady, and I felt calm again. I felt 100% better once the boys ran through the door.

Everyday changes, sometimes I feel like wonder woman, and nothing bothers me. And, other times, I feel like I need to stay in a hole. It’s a constant battle, that I am still learning. But, I see major improvements within myself and those around me can too. My advice, I urge you to talk or write, I want you to find something and put your passion towards it. Whether it’s singing, dancing, painting, or reading, it may not seem like  a lot. Honestly, it does help! Prioritize, make time. Schedule YOU time .You are important, you are enough! Your health is important. If you aren’t healthy, how are you supposed to care for your Family? You can’t. As hard as it is, put yourself first. Even if its for 30 minutes. And, lastly, don’t spread yourself thin & ask for help when you need it. I am guilty of that, I say, “Yes!” to every invite, and volunteer for every function. It’s okay to say, “no.” It won’t be the end of the world. And, ask for help when you need extra hands. Take deep breaths, and take breaks. Remember, you are NOT alone.

I hope my little venture helps you,