How My 8 Year Old Made Me Cry

Happy Monday, #GP5Fam! It’s been a crazy start to our week here in the Grr-arrow household! I mean when is it not ever crazy in my household, psh! Who am I kidding! I live with crazies! Haha! (facepalm)

Anyways, with hockey & figure skating in full swing. I barely can keep up with the household chores and sleep– speaking of sleep, I miss doing that. And, it’s usually when everyone is asleep, is when I can bust out the phone (or laptop) and get my thoughts on paper.

So, as a warning. We are gonna get sappy in today’s post. So grab your favorite blanket, get cozy on the couch, and grab some tissues & let’s get heartfelt! On today’s post, ”How My 8 Year Old Made Me Cry.”

Today guys, I was a parenting failure! You’re probably thinking I’m being over the top dramatic. And, I wish I was. My TDL was beyond overwhelming. I had emails to tend too, tasks to complete, calls to make and let’s not even get to my list of household chores that desperately needed to get done. I got up early to do some laundry, only to realize the clothes that were previously in the dryer were still wet. So the kids helped me get the wet clothes separated from the dry clothes and placed back in the drier to get dry.

After that, I started getting the sheets off my bed and started piling clothes for the next load of laundry. Mind you I still have a load in the wash, a load in the dryer. 3 piles outside my bedroom door that STILL needs to be done. Sigh. It just seems neverending. I was also on a time crunch as I still had to get Skyler’s homeschool assignments together. And, log on to work!

Time was not on my side today, even though I woke-up decently early. As loads of laundry were going, I scrambled to make sure everyone was fed- from the dogs, turtle and of course the kids!

Once that was ”somewhat” situated I launched my laptop and started on my emails. Simultaneously, I was working on some schooling issues for the upcoming school year which resulted needing to be done via a phone call. Of course, in perfect timing. Katelynn decided to have her full-blown tantrum, complete with ”exorcist” back arches and laying on the floor. All because I told her she couldn’t have fruit snacks for breakfast. Oh, and I stood my ground while I tended to my important phone call. Honestly, I should’ve just given her the damn fruit snack so I could get through my phone conference.

But, alas, In her best, high shrill, Katelynn sang the song of her people — loud enough for the poor lady I was talking to on the phone to hear. And, she politely said, ”Shes got some lungs on her”. Oh, If she only knew how I tried to muffle the sound on the phone so she couldn’t hear and failed epically to balance the phone off my shoulder & pick up a flailing 4-year-old off the floor. All while struggling to also hold a pen & notebook.

After picking Kate up, she was still whining and whimpering, as she still begged for the fruit snack. I continued to stand my ground and put Kate on the couch and walked away into another room so I can somewhat pay attention to what this lady was saying to me. I think I repeated every other sentence back to the lady, to confirm we were on the same page & in all honesty, just cause nothing was clicking.

I walked back out into the living room and put the phone on mute while the lady kept talking. I quickly tried to multitask and tend to Kate. Which resulted in a bigger meltdown cause she wanted to be held — which I, unfortunately, couldn’t do as I needed both hands as I was taking notes during the phone call.

After I no longer could take the whining, I turned on the TV and Thank heavens for Nick Jr, cause whatever show was on calmed Kate. And, after realizing fruit snacks were out of the question Kate drank her milk & ate cereal. (THANK GOD!)

Mind you through this whole Katelynn ordeal, Skyler was (as always) playing hockey in the living room. So I felt like I was playing dodgeball in the house trying to weave through and not get hit. Telling him to stop seemed impossible, also I don’t think he understood my ”miming” since I was on the phone.

Thankfully, I was able to go through my phone call, multitask on the laptop & go through emails. Still, laundry wasn’t done & homeschool didn’t start. My conference and emails took up a chunk of my time.

Once I was finally off the phone the kids reminded me that we needed to get cupcakes and cookies (something I had promised them last week). I packed all my electronics and earpiece and decided that my work would have to be mobile today.

When we got to the bakery we picked out our cupcakes, cookies and headed back to the car. As I loaded the kids into the car I dropped the box which resulted in all the frosting and cupcakes to turn upside down. Fabulous. I scrambled to save what decency the cupcakes had left and headed home.

I tried my best to hold myself together and figured, “What else could go wrong today?”  when we got home, my Husband was there to greet us. I was ready to cry and go in full-Mom-meltdown. And, then Skyler said something completely surprising.

He began to tell Ric about our day, and, I was just waiting for all the epic Mom fails, I had. But, he literally didn’t mention how stressed or frustrated I was. All he took out of the day was– regardless of how busy I was I took time to make Kate food, and turn on the TV for them, and that I drove them to get cupcakes and cookies. Skyle, looked at all the positives I did today, all my multitasking and was happy they got cupcakes and cookies regardless if it was half smashed.

I teared-up and Ric just looked at me like I was insane. I later went on to explain the day from my point of view. How crazy, chaotic it felt.

My kiddo for sure just served me a slice of reality and a good one at that. Perspective.

Pinky_Signature

 

 

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When I Found Him

Finding him was like finally finding the missing puzzle piece. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt whole. He came unwillingly and took the weight off my shoulders & He dried every tear. He was my rock. He gave me the sparkle in my eye, the butterflies in my stomach, He made me weak in the knees. I saw my future with Him when I looked into his eyes. When I was with him there was no storm that could ruin my day, because finding him, was finding love.

There were things that we went through in our lives that would be difficult to comprehend or even accept, and in some instances running for the door would be the better option. But, He didn’t. He gave me comfort in knowing that no matter what obstacle that tried to tear us apart, He fought hard with arms swinging. I  finally found someone who wouldn’t give-up on me. He made me feel like I could do anything as long as He stayed right beside me, He became my person.

When I said, “I Love You,” I meant every word. I meant it with every fiber of my being, it genuinely came from every nook and cranny of my heart. I know that I could confidently look at him and know that this would be it, I could scream it from the top of the highest mountain…He is the one…

And, then just like that He wasn’t.

I watched Him walk-out more times than I can remember during the years we were dating. I watched him find someone else so easily and I would watch him come back. And, I would take him back with no regrets. I realized I had lost him years ago, because I never really had him. He was never really mine, he was always searching for something that wasn’t me. No matter how many times he told me I was everything  he ever wanted, no matter how many times he told me he loved me.

I was so enamored with him and his words. I was so in love with him and the thought of us, that I buried every painful/hurtful moment. In those moments I forgot… I forgot who I was. I completely lost myself because instead of feeling love, it was replaced by hurt. In those moments of vulnerability, I forgot my worth. I forgot those around me who actually cherished my time, who valued me as I was, as I am. I forgot what it felt like to enjoy others company because I would drop them in a heart beat to be in his. Only to realize he didn’t need mine. I forgot how to respect myself, I forgot what it felt like to be appreciated. But, overall,  I forgot to put myself first, I forgot to cherish and appreciate myself. I forgot ME.

But, what happened to the love? I know that was real. What happened to the unexpected loving gestures? I know those were genuine. What happened to the spontaneity? That used to be our strongest trait.  It just disappeared… as did He, the one I fell in love with. It disappeared with  the butterflies in my stomach, the sparkle in my eye, and my weak knees.  When I lost him  he walked away, he took a part of me I could never get back. But, it gave me a chance to remind myself of who I am. What I’m capable of being, all in all losing him wasn’t a loss, but, a win. Because everything I learned about love, I learned from him.

Know your worth.

Pink

 

When I Walked Away From My Marriage

It had been a tough few years.

I’ve known my Husband since I was 5 years old, We practically grew-up together. And, after being together for 10 years and married for 9. My Husband and I no longer looked like the doe-eyed, fresh-faced newlyweds who eagerly got married on Christmas Morning. We no longer looked like that young couple you’d see at the restaurant completely enamored with each other across the dining tables fiddling with each others hands. And, we certainly didn’t resemble the couple who used to stay up all night talking to one another and texting each other all day because we simply missed  each other too much to put the phone down.

You can tell that years of sleep deprivation, job stress, and possible resentment had built-up. Little things would annoy us and at times these annoyances would just be pushed down and buried only to be worried about another day. These foreseen annoyances  would eventually re-surface and an inevitable argument  would occur (like clock work) that would leave us hurt and angry for days. As always, we put on a bright smile & were civil in front of our kids. But, it was unbearable, you could feel the underlying tension between us. In some instances, we would see glimpses of our former selves and it would happily remind us of who we used to be. It was US, before the kids, before a mortgage & bills, before life moved to quickly and we lost each other along the way. Back to the easier, lighter days when our relationship didn’t seem so forced.

The day finally came when resentment took over and brought us to a breaking point. The day I knew we were broken beyond repair, and there was no way around the anger, the hurt. Days after the argument, seemed like a blur, we tiptoed around each other, and were completely unsure if we would be able to put our lives back together.

After a flood of discussions, we ultimately decided to work on ourselves apart, hoping that at some point we could find ourselves again. It got us both thinking on how we could ever fix us again, and how we could make things better, stronger. It didn’t seem possible, but, we were both willing to try.

As we began packing for a getaway trip with some of our friends to go snowboarding up in Flagstaff. I felt angry at even going on a trip with someone I wanted nothing to do with. But, he insisted that this would help. He quietly packed his own suitcase and I didn’t even realize that he had helped me pack mine. He would place items I completely forgot to pack. He carefully laid out clothing on top of my suitcase that would keep me warm, extra items in case my first pair of clothing got soaked by snow. He would do this quietly, without making eye contact cause he knew I was I hurting. But, it showed he still cared. I was so engulfed by anger, hurt that I forgot other people were in the house with me. That I wasn’t packing items I really needed. To be honest, I really didn’t care.

After packing, I got ready for bed, and I got under my covers, and slowly felt myself going into fetal position. I felt my breathing become shallow, and everything around me became hazy. I felt my heart beating rapidly and in that moment, that’s all I could hear…

Thump, thump, thump, thump.

Before, I could stop myself, I fell apart. I couldn’t stop the tears from coming out, and I couldn’t steady my breathing.  I couldn’t stop quivering, and I couldn’t stop the pain. I felt the weight of my life falling apart, the reality of my marriage came crumbling down. Memories kept flashing in my head, from our first kiss, to the birth of our first son, to our first home together. These were all memories of a life that we had struggled, and fought for over 19 years.  The thought of packing my things, packing my children’s belongings, and sharing these moments separately, made my heart ache. I lost it. I completely lost it…

Than something made me slow down my breathing, something made me calm my nerves. I felt this pressure, like a hug. I lifted my head, and opened my teary, puffy eyes and saw my Husband. There he was rubbing my back, and hugging me. I saw the pain in his eyes, I could feel the love radiate from his arms. I looked at him and suddenly without any explanation, in that moment, I knew I still love my Husband. I knew that we were going to make it through our marital struggles. It would take time, and it wasn’t going to be fixed overnight. We still have to work on each other, and do what’s best for our Family. But, I knew at some point we would find each other again, because of love. Love is what brought us here 19 years earlier…

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 To Be Continued

Blessings,

Pinky

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